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Recovering From an Affair
An affair causes a sudden loss of trust, emotional safety and certainty within a relationship. The partner who has been betrayed may experience shock, anger, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, repeated questioning, sleep disturbance and a strong need to understand what happened. They may feel deeply traumatised. The partner who had the affair may experience guilt, shame, fear of losing the relationship or uncertainty about how to repair the damage. A relationship can recover, but this usually requires honesty, clear boundaries, consistent behaviour and a willingness from both partners to deal with what has happened rather than trying to return immediately to how things were before.
Can hypnotherapy help with affair recovery?
Bill Frost: Changing States provides individual therapy for affair recovery online via Zoom and in High Wycombe. Therapy may focus on reducing anxiety and intrusive thoughts, processing distressing memories, rebuilding self-esteem, understanding relationship patterns and helping you decide what you need from the relationship. Hypnotherapy may be combined with EMDR, counselling, attachment work, NLP and other therapeutic approaches according to your individual needs. Hypnosis is not used to make you forget what happened or to persuade you to forgive someone. You remain in control of your decisions throughout the process. The goal is not necessarily to repair the relationship no matter what, some relationships are already beyond repair.
Can a relationship recover after an affair?
Potentially: Some relationships do recover after infidelity and can become stable and satisfying again. Recovery normally involves creating a different relationship rather than trying to reproduce the relationship exactly as it existed before the affair.
The affair generally needs to have ended, with clear boundaries around any unavoidable future contact. The partner who had the affair needs to accept responsibility for their choices. The betrayed partner needs sufficient information to understand what has happened and to make informed decisions about the relationship. Both partners then need time to see whether trust can be rebuilt through consistent behaviour.
Recovery does not require you to decide immediately whether to remain together. Early therapy can instead help you stabilise your emotional responses, understand what has happened and make decisions when you are in a better position to do so.
What usually needs to happen for a relationship to recover?
Every relationship is different, but several processes are commonly important following an affair.
- The affair needs to stop. Continuing romantic or sexual involvement with the other person usually prevents trust from being rebuilt. Where contact cannot be completely avoided, for example because the people work together, clear boundaries need to be agreed.
- The reality of what happened needs to be acknowledged. The betrayed partner usually needs enough truthful information to fully understand the situation. Repeated discoveries and partial disclosures can create further damage.
- Responsibility needs to be accepted. Pre-existing relationship problems can be explored, but they do not transfer responsibility for the decision to have an affair onto the other partner.
- Emotional reactions need time. Anger, sadness, fear and repeated questions can continue long after the affair itself has ended. Expecting the betrayed partner to simply move on often creates further conflict.
- Trust needs to be rebuilt through behaviour. Promises can help, but trust usually returns because behaviour becomes consistently reliable over time. Actions are more important than words.
- Both partners need to understand what contributed to the situation. This may include poor boundaries, emotional distance, avoidance of conflict, personal difficulties, unmet needs or opportunities that were handled badly. Understanding these factors is intended to reduce the risk of repetition, rather than excuse the affair.
- New relationship boundaries need to be agreed. Couples may need clearer expectations concerning friendships, messaging, social media, work relationships, privacy and what each person regards as infidelity.
- Emotional and sexual intimacy can be rebuilt gradually. Pressure to restore intimacy too quickly can make matters worse. Both partners need to feel able to express what they do and do not want.
- Both parties need to want to attempt reconciliation. There does need to be a clear intent by both parties to reconcile and move forwards.
What does the betrayed partner commonly experience?
Discovering an affair can produce an unusually intense stress response. You may repeatedly replay conversations, search for clues you previously missed or find yourself comparing yourself with the other person. Places, dates, songs, messages, photographs or changes in your partner's behaviour may become triggers.
You may also become highly alert to anything that suggests further deception. Checking phones, questioning inconsistencies or seeking repeated reassurance can temporarily reduce anxiety, but excessive checking can also keep your attention focused on the possibility of another betrayal.
Some people experience trauma-like symptoms following infidelity, including intrusive recollections, avoidance, heightened alertness and changes in beliefs about themselves or other people. This does not mean that everyone who experiences an affair develops PTSD. It does mean that the emotional impact sometimes needs to be treated as more than a conventional relationship disagreement.
What does recovery require from the partner who had the affair?
Repair normally requires more than saying sorry. The partner who had the affair may need to tolerate difficult conversations, answer reasonable questions, acknowledge the effect of their behaviour and demonstrate reliability over an extended period.
Defensiveness, minimising what happened or repeatedly telling the betrayed partner that they should have moved on can interfere with recovery. At the same time, permanent punishment is unlikely to create a healthy relationship. Therapy can help both people distinguish accountability from an endless cycle of accusation and defence.
The person who had the affair may also need help with guilt, shame and fear. Excessive shame can sometimes lead to withdrawal or defensiveness rather than useful responsibility. Therapy can help separate the recognition that you made a damaging choice from the more global belief that you are irredeemably bad.
Can trust return after an affair?
Trust can return, although it usually develops gradually. Early in recovery, couples may agree to greater transparency concerning communication, whereabouts or contact with particular people. These arrangements work best when they are clearly agreed and understood as part of rebuilding safety rather than becoming permanent surveillance. With agreement this could involve regular reviews of phone activity.
Trust grows when what someone says, repeatedly matches what they do. Reliability in ordinary every-day behaviour can therefore become as important as conversations specifically about the affair. Repeated discussions about the affair can become exhausting and risk reinforcing negative emotions.
Documented STD / STI testing may be necessary, especially if protection was not used. This helps to rebuild trust and a sense of physical safety.
Do you have to forgive an affair?
No. Forgiveness is a personal choice and should not be demanded as a condition of therapy. It is also different from forgetting, condoning what happened or immediately trusting the person again.
For some couples forgiveness develops gradually as responsibility is accepted, emotional injuries are processed and trust begins to return. Other people decide that they understand what happened but do not want to continue the relationship. Therapy can help you reach your own decision rather than impose one upon you.
What about repeated affairs or continuing deception?
Repeated infidelity, continuing contact, significant deception or refusal to accept responsibility can make reconciliation much more difficult. Therapy cannot create trust when behaviour continues to contradict what is being said.
In these circumstances therapy may focus first on helping you establish boundaries, protect your emotional wellbeing and decide what you are prepared to accept within the relationship.
Can the relationship become 'good' again?
Recovery does not mean that the affair becomes unimportant. It means that the affair stops controlling the relationship. Over time it can become just something that happened within the history of the relationship rather than something that dominates every disagreement, absence or uncertainty.
Couples who recover often develop clearer communication, stronger boundaries and a better understanding of how each person responds to closeness, conflict and emotional needs. This does not make the affair necessary or beneficial. It means that useful changes can be made in response to what happened.
If you are struggling following an affair, you can book an appointment or contact Bill Frost: Changing States. Individual therapy is available online via Zoom and in High Wycombe.
More about affair recovery
What counts as an affair?
Infidelity does not always involve sexual intercourse. Different relationships have different agreements and a breach of those agreements may involve a sexual relationship, an emotional relationship, secret messaging, online sexual activity, use of dating applications or repeated intimate contact that has been concealed from a partner.
The important issue is usually the breach of an agreed or reasonably understood relationship boundary combined with secrecy or deception.
Why can discovering an affair feel so destabilising?
An affair can alter your understanding of both the relationship and your own recent history. Events that previously seemed ordinary may suddenly be reconsidered in light of the new reality. You may question where your partner was, whether conversations were truthful or whether memories you valued meant the same thing to them.
This creates uncertainty about the past as well as the future. Your mind may repeatedly review events in an attempt to create a coherent explanation and protect you against further surprises.
For some people the affair also activates earlier experiences of rejection, abandonment or betrayal. Present reactions can then become connected with much older emotional patterns. Attachment-focused therapy or EMDR may be appropriate where this occurs.
Why do affairs happen?
There is no single explanation. Factors can include poor boundaries, opportunity, emotional avoidance, relationship dissatisfaction, a need for reassurance or attention, difficulty communicating needs, sexual dissatisfaction, major life changes, impulsive behaviour or longstanding personal patterns.
Understanding contributing factors can be useful because it identifies what needs to change. Explanation should not be confused with justification. The person who had the affair remains responsible for how they chose to respond to those circumstances.
Should every detail of the affair be disclosed?
Some factual information is usually necessary if the betrayed partner is to make informed choices. Endless graphic detail can be different. Highly specific sexual imagery can sometimes become intrusive and difficult to forget.
A useful distinction can be made between information you need in order to understand the nature, duration and implications of the affair and detail that serves mainly to intensify painful mental images. What you need to know is an individual decision and can be discussed carefully during therapy.
How long does affair recovery take?
There is no fixed timetable. The emotional shock can settle relatively quickly for some people, while rebuilding trust takes considerably longer. Progress is rarely completely linear. A period of relative calm can be followed by a strong reaction to an anniversary, unexpected reminder or new piece of information.
What matters more than a particular timescale is whether the overall direction is towards greater honesty, emotional stability, trust and choice.
What if you decide split-up or divorce?
Therapy can still be useful. Deciding that a relationship cannot, or should not continue does not automatically resolve the emotional impact of betrayal. Love and a sense of attachment will probably remain for some time.
Separation can be a challenging time since you are neither together nor apart. The need for clear boundaries becomes even more important. Sooner or later a decision to reconcile or part ways must be made, since the ambiguity itself can be damaging.
We can help you process anger and grief, reduce intrusive thoughts, restore self-esteem and understand any relationship patterns you want to change before entering another relationship. See also relationship loss.
What happens during therapy?
Sessions are tailored to your personal experience and goals. Some people want help recovering emotionally while remaining within the relationship. Others are unsure whether they want to stay. Therapy does not assume that reconciliation is always the correct outcome. We work with you and your partner as well if necessary.
We may initially work with the immediate emotional consequences of discovering the affair. This can include anxiety, anger, intrusive images, repeated mental replay, difficulty sleeping, loss of confidence, fear of further betrayal and excessive monitoring of your partner.
EMDR may be appropriate when particular memories connected with the affair continue to produce a strong emotional response. These might include discovering messages, being told about the affair, seeing the other person or repeatedly visualising what may have happened. Hypnotherapy can be used to reduce anxiety, strengthen self-esteem, change unhelpful emotional responses and mentally rehearse more effective ways of communicating and responding.
We help you examine trust, attachment, boundaries, communication, earlier relationship experiences and repeating patterns. We use different approaches at different stages depending on your needs and responses.
You remain in control at all times. Therapy is confidential and collaborative. You do not have to discuss details before you are ready, and hypnosis is not used to recover supposed hidden memories or establish whether another person is telling the truth.
If an affair has left you struggling with anxiety, intrusive memories, anger, loss of confidence or uncertainty about the future of your relationship, book an appointment with Bill Frost: Changing States. Sessions are available online via Zoom and in High Wycombe.
Relationship loss and conflict resolution testimonials
- "Very impressed with the treatment room; neat and well organised = added confidence for the client!" {Relationship loss}*
- "I feel very different, everything seems to have clicked into place. I now know where I'm going and seem to have direction in life. I am no longer angry or resentful and feel emotionally stable. The CD is fantastic by the way!" {Relationship issues}*
- "Without a doubt the most effective therapist I've ever come accross, wish I'd come accross him years ago!
Highly ethical, puts his clients first and probably most importantly he's broadly educated and uses evidence-based therapeutic techniques and is flexible enough to try different approaches. On top of that he doesn't take himself too seriously!
In a series of sessions we managed to deal with :-
- Getting over ongoing painful & re-occuring thoughts about a long-term relationship loss and the loss of a child - result: no more ongoing memories or emotional issues around this, fabulous!
- Childhood traumatic events that had been troubling me and poisoning family relationships and self-esteem for years - result: significantly improved family relationships & greatly improved self-esteem.
- Dealing with a long-term psycho-sexual issue. Result: no longer an issue
Don't get the idea that this type of therapy doesnt require effort, work (and/or pain at times), the difference is this actually works (well it did for me anyway!)
Couldn't recommend him highly enough!" {Relationship loss / childhood trauma / psycho-sexual issue}*
- "Bill's therapy has been invaluable to me in overcoming the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage. He has refocused my career and helped me find the strength within myself to make the right personal and professional changes. The EMDR removed the nightmares reoccuring for 10 years and the Timeline therapy placed the incident in my past desensitising the pain of the miscarriage and an abusive relationship. The dirty feeling/grittyness and poor self image I had gradually dispelled as I practised the meditation techniques dispelling the binge comfort eating and self harm destructive patterns. Bill taught me to come to terms with my bi-polar depression triggered by the miscarriage-reactive depression. Within mid therapy session (session 2) I made the move to come off the anti depressants, sedatives and sleeping pills all within the period of 2 weeks while he taught me depression was merely a body's reactive mechanism that could be changed and monitored useing his Time-line and stress management discs and CD's as well as controlled meditative breathing and mind exercises to control emotional pain.
Particularly effective was Time-line therapy which combined cleverly the first relaxation technique then the white light healing exercise combined with the reevaluation of the past via Time-line therapy repositioning and desensitising the pain of the past event and objectifying lessons learnt from the past. I have learnt through his leads through Buddhism to gain insight from suffering and am just begining to learn Buddhist meditation techniques to help me even at work to focus more clearly on my observation work with children and pinpoint social sensitivity. Thankyou Bill. You have opened the door that was my self made prison." {Bereavement / Trauma / Bipolar}*
- "It was good to meet Bill who was very knowledgeable. I don't seem to think much now about my previous relationship." {Relationship loss / Anxiety / Depression}*
- "Bill was very helpful and supporting during the whole process. His techniques helped me to stabilise my emotional status and to focus on my personal wellbeing. I still use them almost on an everyday basis." {Relationship loss}*
- "I have had therapy previously but none produced the results which Bill achieved in a matter of weeks. In fact, each week he worked with me on a different specific issue and the results were almost immediate. I was a little sceptical as to whether the positive outcomes would last but I am very pleased that all have. Bill is intuitive and uses a range of therapies to help; it is not a 'one method suits all', which is important. My issues were impacting hugely on my life but now, thanks to Bill, I am able to move on, more confident and happy. I am very grateful to him and have no hesitation in recommending Bill's therapy practice." {Past relationship issues and anxiety}*
- "I first met Bill over 10 years ago when he helped me to quit smoking and overcome alcohol dependency. I am still so relieved to say that after just 2 sessions (in 2012) I remain alcohol free/sober. Subsequently, we worked on establishing a successful healthy eating routine and public speaking strategy. In 2020/2021, a relatively toxic marriage finally broke down and my career had begun to plateau. Once again, I reached out to Bill and am pleased to advise that I think I am beginning to heal from and possibly even overcome the devastating loss of the relationship that I valued more than anything. More surprisingly (for me) was the inner strength, clarity of purpose, single minded focus and drive that Bill helped instill throughout this period. With his help I have now got my career back on track and have secured an important promotion (while simultaneously trying to cope with the life changing heartbreak, resentment, self-pity and all those other feelings that invariably accompany divorce!) In summary, I consider myself very lucky to have someone of this calibre in my corner. I look forward to continuing my journey with Bill acting as a mentor. It's actually exciting, there are endless possibilities...." {Alcohol / Healthy Eating / Divorce / Career / Relationship loss}*
- "I finally feel I can leave an appropriate review for this service as I seen life with therapy and seen life after therapy. My last hypnotherapy session was in July which (as I am writing this) was 3 months ago. Safe to say Bill was brilliant. Not only is he amazing at what he does but he also created a safe space and allowed me to get things off my chest even if it was completely unrelated to the main reason, I was getting therapy. I initially went to therapy for several trauma related subjects which Bill helped me deal with through hypnotherapy and EMDR. It was the weirdest experience but has helped more than I would have ever hoped for. He always made sure that I was okay after a session even if this meant going over our allocated time. If he was unable to do this, he offered video calling later in the day (if I was still bothered by our session) to help my mind calm and later come back for a stabilisation session where we focused on grounding my mind. He did this free of charge and always did his best to bring me back to reality as quickly as possible after discussing something traumatic. I am truly grateful for Bill and his services and highly recommend him. The last 3 months of my life have shown me just how much I have managed to overcome. Things that would have disrupted my life massively in seconds, like seeing something/someone trauma related. Don t anymore. I wont lie and say I am completely healed and over what has happened in my past, but I never thought I would be able to have a normal life or romantic relationship again prior to have therapy. Thank you, Bill, for everything! Life would not be the same without you." {CPTSD / PTSD / Trauma}*
- "Thank you very much for the sessions. It was truly an eye-opener for me. I always thought I was the one who had a problem in my relationship, but you helped me see that it wasn't me. You showed me that the person I was with was toxic and that I was in a relationship I shouldn't have been in. I've now moved on and started building a better life for myself." {Domestic Abuse}*
*Disclaimer required by Google: We provide testimonials to help you gain confidence about how we work and results we achieve. However, please be aware that we whilst we bring 100% of our effort and skill to the process, as with all hypnotherapy / psychotherapy practices, results may vary between individuals.
We have included the first 10 only! There are many more Relationship loss and conflict resolution related testimonials here
Hypnotherapy related affair recovery research
Gordon, Baucom and Snyder (2004)
Gordon, K.C., Baucom, D.H. and Snyder, D.K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213-231.
This study examined a structured integrative treatment with six couples following an affair. Most couples showed reductions in individual or relationship distress by the end of treatment, and betrayed partners reported increased forgiveness. The approach included managing the immediate impact of the affair, developing an understanding of contributing factors and helping the couple make informed decisions about their future relationship.
Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom and Christensen (2005)
Atkins, D.C., Eldridge, K.A., Baucom, D.H. and Christensen, A. (2005). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Optimism in the face of betrayal. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144-150.
This study examined 19 couples affected by infidelity who were taking part in a larger randomised clinical trial of marital therapy. Couples affected by an affair started therapy with greater relationship distress, but those where the affair had been disclosed before or during treatment showed substantial improvement in relationship satisfaction.
Negash, Carlson and Linder (2018)
Negash, S., Carlson, S.H. and Linder, J.N. (2018). Emotionally focused therapy and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: An integrated treatment to heal the trauma of infidelity. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(3-4), 143-157.
This clinical paper describes the integration of EMDR with Emotionally Focused Therapy when working with the traumatic impact of infidelity. A detailed case example shows how EMDR can be introduced at appropriate stages to process distressing memories while wider relationship work addresses the attachment injury created by the affair.
Roos, O'Connor, Canevello and Bennett (2019)
Roos, L.G., O'Connor, V., Canevello, A. and Bennett, J.M. (2019). Post-traumatic stress and psychological health following infidelity in unmarried young adults. Stress and Health, 35(4), 468-479.
In a sample of 73 young adults who had experienced a partner's infidelity, 45.2% reported symptoms consistent with probable infidelity-related PTSD on the measures used in the study. Greater post-traumatic stress symptoms were associated with poorer psychological health, and negative beliefs following the betrayal appeared to play an important role. This helps explain why trauma-focused approaches such as EMDR may sometimes be appropriate following an affair.
Mitchell, Wittenborn, Timm and Blow (2022)
Mitchell, E.A., Wittenborn, A.K., Timm, T.M. and Blow, A.J. (2022). Affair recovery: Exploring similarities and differences of injured and involved partners. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(2), 447-463.
This qualitative study examined nine couples who remained together following an affair. Both partners identified frequent and meaningful communication, rebuilding safety and trust, and forgiveness as important parts of recovery. The partners sometimes differed in how they experienced reassurance, sexual intimacy and reminders of the affair.
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