Relationship Loss

The second most intense life stress, after death, is divorce or loss of a love relationship. Most of us beyond 14 or 16 have felt the intense pain and anguish of being rejected by a lover. Many writers have dealt with marital problems and the long, distressful process of divorce. Kessler (1975) described seven stages of divorce / relationship loss:

Stage 1: Disillusionment

After the bliss of falling in love (with the ideal person for you), a new idea sneaks into your mind: your lover has some faults. You may begin "psychologising," e.g. "he is very self-centered," "she is nagging like my mother," "he flirts with women to hide his sexual fears," "she gets a lot more involved with the children than she does with me," etc. If these feelings grow in either person, without being resolved, the relationship is in trouble.

Stage 2: Erosion

The disappointments and fault-finding reduce the love and attraction. They may not know what is wrong or what to say. If the relationship is becoming a little strained, this is the best time to have a good, straight talk or to seek marriage counseling. If no changes are made, a lot of destructive interactions may take place: put each other down, compete for attention, spend money carelessly, find new interests, watch each other critically, avoid each other, stop "confiding" or having sex.

Stage 3: Detachment

Each disappointment hurts. "Love dies a thousand deaths." Lovers pull away to avoid hurts and sadness. If the isolation continues, it becomes more and more difficult to return to being lovers. Sometimes only one person is in the detachment stage; that is enough to kill the relationship. In this stage, the couple share and talk little, imply that "I don't care" even though they're hurting, and begin to think of other possible partners. They can't decide to leave or not. Often anger sets in--anger makes it easier to decide to separate.

Stage 4: Physical separation

Separating is a sure sign the relationship has failed. Before, you might say, "we aren't getting along; we're fighting a lot," but now the relationship is gone--lost. There are many reactions to separation: often it is a painful, crushing void, sometimes if you have wanted out for a long time it is a relief, usually there is loneliness, fear, and feelings of failure. There are many adjustments to make--new place to live, new routine, new people, etc.

Stage 5: Mourning and letting go

We mourn the loss of a partner, even one who has caused us pain. It is the loss of a dream, if nothing else. We rid ourselves of the "ghosts" of our past love, give up hope of reconciliation, and realize the ex-lover is gone forever. Usually there is a mix of intense emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, fear, hope. Often we spend hours reliving the old relationship--how awful he/she was, how it should have been, whose fault it was, etc. The person needs to "work through" these old emotions. Eventually, he/she will decide to get on with his/her life.

Stage 6: A new life.

The focus shifts from the past to the future. Sometimes there is even an obsession with a new interest or life-style--new clothes and looks, drinking, seducing and partying, or complete involvement with work and planning a new career or volunteering to help in some social-political movement. Some are eager to find love again, others hate the opposite sex, others are scared of emotional involvement. In some ways it's like being a teenager again.

Stage 7: Healthy adjustment

With luck, one emerges from a broken relationship wiser, tougher, stronger, and mellower. You have found some good friends and made reasonable plans for the future. You are no longer so worried you can't sleep at nights and, although life is hard, you are ready to move on to something better.

Relationship loss and conflict resolution testimonials

• "Very impressed with the treatment room; neat and well organised = added confidence for the client!" {Relationship loss}*

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• "I feel very different, everything seems to have clicked into place. I now know where I'm going and seem to have direction in life. I am no longer angry or resentful and feel emotionally stable. The CD is fantastic by the way!" {Relationship issues}*

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• "Without a doubt the most effective therapist I've ever come accross, wish I'd come accross him years ago!
  Highly ethical, puts his clients first and probably most importantly he's broadly educated and uses evidence-based therapeutic techniques and is flexible enough to try different approaches. On top of that he doesn't take himself too seriously!
  In a series of sessions we managed to deal with :-
  - Getting over ongoing painful & re-occuring thoughts about a long-term relationship loss and the loss of a child - result: no more ongoing memories or emotional issues around this, fabulous!
  - Childhood traumatic events that had been troubling me and poisoning family relationships and self-esteem for years - result: significantly improved family relationships & greatly improved self-esteem.
  - Dealing with a long-term psycho-sexual issue. Result: no longer an issue
  Don't get the idea that this type of therapy doesnt require effort, work (and/or pain at times), the difference is this actually works (well it did for me anyway!)
  Couldn't recommend him highly enough!" {Relationship loss / childhood trauma / psycho-sexual issue}*

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• "Bill's therapy has been invaluable to me in overcoming the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage. He has refocused my career and helped me find the strength within myself to make the right personal and professional changes. The EMDR removed the nightmares reoccuring for 10 years and the Timeline therapy placed the incident in my past desensitising the pain of the miscarriage and an abusive relationship. The dirty feeling/grittyness and poor self image I had gradually dispelled as I practised the meditation techniques dispelling the binge comfort eating and self harm destructive patterns. Bill taught me to come to terms with my bi-polar depression triggered by the miscarriage-reactive depression. Within mid therapy session (session 2) I made the move to come off the anti depressants, sedatives and sleeping pills all within the period of 2 weeks while he taught me depression was merely a body's reactive mechanism that could be changed and monitored useing his Time-line and stress management discs and CD's as well as controlled meditative breathing and mind exercises to control emotional pain.
  
  Particularly effective was Time-line therapy which combined cleverly the first relaxation technique then the white light healing exercise combined with the reevaluation of the past via Time-line therapy repositioning and desensitising the pain of the past event and objectifying lessons learnt from the past. I have learnt through his leads through Buddhism to gain insight from suffering and am just begining to learn Buddhist meditation techniques to help me even at work to focus more clearly on my observation work with children and pinpoint social sensitivity. Thankyou Bill. You have opened the door that was my self made prison." {Bereavement / Trauma / Bipolar}*

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• "It was good to meet Bill who was very knowledgeable. I don't seem to think much now about my previous relationship." {Relationship loss / Anxiety / Depression}*

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• "Bill was very helpful and supporting during the whole process. His techniques helped me to stabilise my emotional status and to focus on my personal wellbeing. I still use them almost on an everyday basis." {Relationship loss}*

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• "I have had therapy previously but none produced the results which Bill achieved in a matter of weeks. In fact, each week he worked with me on a different specific issue and the results were almost immediate. I was a little sceptical as to whether the positive outcomes would last but I am very pleased that all have. Bill is intuitive and uses a range of therapies to help; it is not a 'one method suits all', which is important. My issues were impacting hugely on my life but now, thanks to Bill, I am able to move on, more confident and happy. I am very grateful to him and have no hesitation in recommending Bill's therapy practice." {Past relationship issues and anxiety}*

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• "I first met Bill over 10 years ago when he helped me to quit smoking and overcome alcohol dependency. I am still so relieved to say that after just 2 sessions (in 2012) I remain alcohol free/sober. Subsequently, we worked on establishing a successful healthy eating routine and public speaking strategy. In 2020/2021, a relatively toxic marriage finally broke down and my career had begun to plateau. Once again, I reached out to Bill and am pleased to advise that I think I am beginning to heal from and possibly even overcome the devastating loss of the relationship that I valued more than anything. More surprisingly (for me) was the inner strength, clarity of purpose, single minded focus and drive that Bill helped instill throughout this period. With his help I have now got my career back on track and have secured an important promotion (while simultaneously trying to cope with the life changing heartbreak, resentment, self-pity and all those other feelings that invariably accompany divorce!) In summary, I consider myself very lucky to have someone of this calibre in my corner. I look forward to continuing my journey with Bill acting as a mentor. It's actually exciting, there are endless possibilities...." {Alcohol / Healthy Eating / Divorce / Career / Relationship loss}*

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• "I finally feel I can leave an appropriate review for this service as I seen life with therapy and seen life after therapy. My last hypnotherapy session was in July which (as I am writing this) was 3 months ago. Safe to say Bill was brilliant. Not only is he amazing at what he does but he also created a safe space and allowed me to get things off my chest even if it was completely unrelated to the main reason, I was getting therapy. I initially went to therapy for several trauma related subjects which Bill helped me deal with through hypnotherapy and EMDR. It was the weirdest experience but has helped more than I would have ever hoped for. He always made sure that I was okay after a session even if this meant going over our allocated time. If he was unable to do this, he offered video calling later in the day (if I was still bothered by our session) to help my mind calm and later come back for a stabilisation session where we focused on grounding my mind. He did this free of charge and always did his best to bring me back to reality as quickly as possible after discussing something traumatic. I am truly grateful for Bill and his services and highly recommend him. The last 3 months of my life have shown me just how much I have managed to overcome. Things that would have disrupted my life massively in seconds, like seeing something/someone trauma related. Don t anymore. I wont lie and say I am completely healed and over what has happened in my past, but I never thought I would be able to have a normal life or romantic relationship again prior to have therapy. Thank you, Bill, for everything! Life would not be the same without you." {CPTSD / PTSD / Trauma}*

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• "Thank you very much for the sessions. It was truly an eye-opener for me. I always thought I was the one who had a problem in my relationship, but you helped me see that it wasn't me. You showed me that the person I was with was toxic and that I was in a relationship I shouldn't have been in. I've now moved on and started building a better life for myself." {Domestic Abuse}*

*Disclaimer required by Google: We provide testimonials to help you gain confidence about how we work and results we achieve. However, please be aware that we whilst we bring 100% of our effort and skill to the process, as with all hypnotherapy / psychotherapy practices, results may vary between individuals.

We have included the first 10 only! There are many more Relationship loss and conflict resolution related testimonials here

Hypnotherapy related relationship loss / breakup research and reading